How I Stopped My Lawn From Almost Killing Me

The Perfect Dream

I remember the first day I had my own lawn. I spent 25 years thinking about the moment when I would be able to stand in the front yard with a hose in one hand and a weed wacker in the other. Boy scouts would walk by saying things like, “That grass is as green as my plant identification merit badge”. Those were naive good days.

The Reality

Then the neighborhood showed up at our “sod party” and within 2 hours my yard had instagrass covering every square inch. Instead of a hose and a weed wacker, I had a bill in my had for sod, and another for a sprinkler system and that is when it hit me.

I needed one of these…


Which I thought would be more like…

Honda Mean Mower record (3)

but all I could afford was…


and thus began my epic weekly battle with this…


(picture reflects actual length of grass after 1 week of growth and field represents the the size and scope of my lawn with minor exaggerations)

The Horror

Every week was the same thing. It never slept, It never took breaks, it just grew, and grew, and grew. Once, I even tried to kill it by creating a put-put course…


It grew back. There was one time it was fun…

lawn fun

But, then I remembered that ever drop of water that touched the blades of despair would just make it grow that much faster. I lost hope. I gave in and just kept mowing.

Happy Ending

Just when I thought I would change to zero-scape my six year old son Joshua saw his cousin mowing his lawn and asked if he could mow ours. After a lengthy negotiation we settled on a very fair market price of 4 dollars and I might have just become the happiest man in the world.


(Don’t worry, Right after I took this picture I made him put on shoes)

Now a note to you dear son. The lawn is your problem baby now. I pass the torch on to you.  Keep it nice or your father will get in trouble from your mother. Know that I would have paid 40 dollars if you just knew how to negotiate a little better, but you will learn in time and when you do, I will delete this post and there will be no record of it.

I love you and am I proud of the man you are becoming. Keep up the good work.